So, how much blood is too much blood?
Because when I got my period for the first time
I thought my insides had collapsed
That my heart had had enough and was taking me out with it.
And the first time I had sex, it was like my period
Unable to fight it, unable to break off, to get out free
Still being whole and me
And even drop of blood that washed away with the sheets
Took tiny pieces of me with it
Which inevitably led to the first cut,
The first time I took my body back
The control of knowing everything that seeped out
Was truly and only because of me
Because I wanted this, I deserved this, I needed this
And not a goddamn thing was going to stop me.
Finally I felt alive as I dripped all over the kitchen floor
That sound, the pulse, the vivacity awakened in me
Was sexy. I was me. I was anything I wanted to be
Every drop electrocuted control into my veins, into my stream
Building up a wall of impenetrable confidence
Of security, of unstoppable arrogance
That same arrogance that crashed me into you.
And together we commanded the skies
Everything below and above it
Our yells would echo across the night sky
Flashing red as the earth shook
The thunder inside of our hearts bled into the rain
Passion storming out all over the ground and its circuits
Shooting that energy right back into us
Creating a cadence that drove us wild, drove us in and out of madness
Compulsions so strong inside of us that our only release
Was with force, abuse bouncing back and forth between us
It was the only way for you to sneak in, the only way for me to break down
Break from the control I had grown to love
Break from the safety of solitude behind my thousand feet wall
So I ask again
How much blood is too much?
Because as I walk into the next piece,
The next attempt of finding myself
Without losing, without falling, without leaking
As I leave behind you and all you were—
All that we were—
I search for this famed peace, this infamous serenity
That comes with knowing better, with walking on
With breathing without collapsing
Control without crimson edges and
Being without bleeding.