Gross

So, how much blood is too much blood?

Because when I got my period for the first time

I thought my insides had collapsed

That my heart had had enough and was taking me out with it.

 

And the first time I had sex, it was like my period

Times ten

Unable to fight it, unable to break off, to get out free

Still being whole and me

And even drop of blood that washed away with the sheets

Took tiny pieces of me with it

 

Which inevitably led to the first cut,

The first time I took my body back

The control of knowing everything that seeped out

Was truly and only because of me

Because I wanted this, I deserved this, I needed this

And not a goddamn thing was going to stop me.

 

Finally I felt alive as I dripped all over the kitchen floor

That sound, the pulse, the vivacity awakened in me

Was sexy. I was me. I was anything I wanted to be

Every drop electrocuted control into my veins, into my stream

Building up a wall of impenetrable confidence

Of security, of unstoppable arrogance

 

That same arrogance that crashed me into you.

 

And together we commanded the skies

Everything below and above it

Our yells would echo across the night sky

Flashing red as the earth shook

The thunder inside of our hearts bled into the rain

Passion storming out all over the ground and its circuits

Shooting that energy right back into us

Creating a cadence that drove us wild, drove us in and out of madness

 

Compulsions so strong inside of us that our only release

Was with force, abuse bouncing back and forth between us

It was the only way for you to sneak in, the only way for me to break down

Break from the control I had grown to love

Break from the safety of solitude behind my thousand feet wall

 

So I ask again

How much blood is too much?

 

Because as I walk into the next piece,

The next attempt of finding myself

Without losing, without falling, without leaking

 

As I leave behind you and all you were—

All that we were—

 

I search for this famed peace, this infamous serenity

That comes with knowing better, with walking on

With breathing without collapsing

Control without crimson edges and

Being without bleeding.

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